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ah ha ha ha . . . .ha
1. EXPANDING VOCABULARY
a boy goes upstairs to see his dad who is shaving. just as he enters the bathroom his dad shouts bollocks, the boy says "whats bollocks dad?!" his dad replies "errrr....its another word for a beard" the boy then goes downstairs to see his big sister who is wiping her feet on the carpet and she says shit, the boys says "whats shit?!" she replies "ummmm......its
another word for a carpet" so the boy leaves her and goes to talk to his mum who is plucking a chicken that they are having for dinner he hears her say fucking hell, so curious as the little boy is he askes his mum what fuckin means, shes says "o...umm....it...it another word for plucking" later on someone come to the door and the little boy answers. "is anyone else at home little fella?!" the salesman asks, and the boy just says "no, my sisters
wiping her feet on shit, my dads shaving his bollocks and my mums fucking a chicken"
2. JOYS OF MARRIAGE
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
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3. SEX
There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
4. SKIING
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
5. OLYMPIC CONDOMS
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she asks, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course," says the man proudly.
The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"
6. THE TRUTH OF MARRIAGE
A business enters a pub, sits down at the bar and orders a double martini. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders another double martini. After he finishes it, he peeks again into his shirt pocketand then orders another double martini. The bartender says, "look buddy, i'll bring you martinis all night long, but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know its time to go home."
7. HONEYMOONS
there was a poor family and their 3 daughters were getting married. to save money they had to all get married at the same time in the same place and have their honeymoon at home. after the wedding and later that night the mother of the daughters is walking past their bedrooms. at the first door she hears a scream, she moves on. at the next door she hears laughter, she moves on, at the third door there is silence.
the next morning the mother inquires as to why these noises were made.
daughter 1: 'well you told me to scream if it hurts'
daughter 2: 'you told me to laugh if it tickles'
the mother then asked the third daughter why her room was silent, she replied:
'you always told me not to talk with my mouth full'
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